35 of Blackadder's most cunning quotes and one-liners

Tuesday, 5th June 2018, 12:01 pm
Updated Tuesday, 5th June 2018, 12:37 pm

Starring Rowan Atkinson as the titular schemer, Tony Robinson as sidekick Baldrick and a host of acting talent in guest and supporting roles, the show celebrates its 35th anniversary next week.

Ahead of the occasion, we're paying tribute to one of Blackadder's strongest assets: its array of memorable quips, insults and one-liners.

Here are 35 of Blackadder's most cunning quotes:

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(Some rude humour ahead)

Baldrick: "I have a plan, sir."Blackadder: "Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?"Baldrick: "Yes, sir."Blackadder: "As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?"

Blackadder: "He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition."

Samuel Johnson: "This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language."Blackadder: "Every single one, sir?"Samuel Johnson: "Every single word, sir."Blackadder: "Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularities."

Blackadder: "Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot."

Witch Hunter: "The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck '” so we burn him. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off."

Never short of an insult: Rowan Atkinson as Blackadder (Photo: BBC)

Blackadder: "Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin."

Pitt the Younger: "I intend to put my own brother up as a candidate against you."Blackadder: "And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?"

Blackadder: "Your brain is so minute Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit."

Blackadder: "Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?"Young Crone: "That it be! That it be!"Blackadder: "'Yes, it is,' not 'That it be'."

Blackadder: "Give the likes of Baldrick the vote and we'll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning and dung for dinner."

Blackadder: "There hasn't been a war run this badly since Olaf the hairy, King of all the Vikings, ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."

(Photo: BBC)

Blackadder: "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?"

Vincent Hanna: "Can you at least tell me one thing. What does the 'S' in his name stand for?"Blackadder: "Sod off."Vincent Hanna: "I guess it's none of my business really..."

Queenie: "Oh Edmund. I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face."

Blackadder: "They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head."

Lady Whiteadder: "Wicked Child! Chairs are the work of Belezabub! At our house Nathaneal sits on a spike. And I sit on Nathaneal. Two spikes would be an extravagance..."

Lord Flashheart: "Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?!"

Lord Flashheart: "Enter the man who has no underwear. Ask me why."Others: "Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash?"Lord Flashheart: "Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the job on."

(Photo: BBC)

Blackadder: "Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me - and THIS pencil."

Prince Ludwig: "We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game at the old pizzel in Dover?"Blackadder: "My God."Prince Ludwig: "Yes! I was the waitress."Blackadder: "I don't believe it. You? Big Sally?"Prince Ludwig: [Impression] "Will you have another piece of pie, my Lord?"Blackadder: "But I went to bed with you, didn't I?"

Blackadder: "So let's recap. If I admit that I am in love - sorry, head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards - then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind of gardening tool and roast them over a large fire. Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade...AND remove my testicles with a blunt... oh I see."

Blackadder: "Criminal record?"Baldrick: "Absolutely not."Blackadder: "Oh, come on, Baldrick. You're going to be an MP for God's sake. I'll just put fraud and sexual deviance..."

Blackadder: "I lost closer friends than 'darling Georgie' the last time I was deloused."

(Photo: BBC)

Blackadder: "The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd."

Blackadder: "Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus."

Blackadder: "You really are a beginner. You forgot your comedy breasts!"Lord Melchett: "Au contraire, Blackadder."

Baldrick: "Morning, Mr. B."Blackadder: "Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market."

Blackadder: "I've never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation."Doctor: "You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?"Blackadder: "Yes. Dr Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn't it?"Doctor: "That's right, the great Hoffmann."Blackadder: "Owner of the largest leech farm in Europe..."

Queenie: "I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant."

General Melchett: "Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field."Blackadder: "Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy?"Captain Darling: "How could you possibly know that, Blackadder?! It's classified information!"

Prince George: "Someone said I had the wit and intellect of a donkey."Blackadder: "Oh, an absurd suggestion sir. Unless it was a particularly stupid donkey."

Blackadder: "Baldrick, your head is as empty as a eunach's underpants."

Blackadder: "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"

Blackadder: "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again'."

Mr. Pants: "You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?"Blackadder: "No, this is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's called wit."

Two seasons of Blackadder and the Christmas special are available to watch on Netflix UK

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[Main image: BBC]