31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding

Friday, 18th May 2018, 10:02 am
Updated Friday, 18th May 2018, 10:22 am

It's summer, and wedding season is upon us.

Royal Wedding fever has descended upon the nation too of course, as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle prepare to tie the knot this weekend.

One of the most entertaining moments in any wedding day is the Best Man's speech, a chance for a close friend or relative to roast the groom one last time before he heads off into married life.

And let's be honest, which best man has the time to write a wholly original, personally relevant, laugh-a-line routine?

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So if Prince William is looking for any inspiration for his speech, he could do worse than these tried-and-tested quips:

"It's been an emotional day. Even the cake is in tiers."

"To start this speech, I Googled '˜the perfect best man speech', but you had to pay to read the examples and I didn't think it was worth it, so I'm just going to wing it.'

"We've now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth in nervous anticipation. That's right. I've been asked to give him the drinks bill."

"I'm not used to public speaking. I only found out today that a toastmaster isn't actually a kitchen appliance."

"I didn't really know where to start so I thought I'd trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I'd found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech."

(Photo: Shutterstock)

"If there's anyone here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you've just married [groom's name]."

"I've been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo as I'm reading through, I'll whip it out immediately."

"All those among you who know the bride will know that she is a wonderful and caring person. She deserves a good husband. Thank God he married her before she found one."

"I've been asked by many how I'm going to cope with my best friend being married and spending all of his time loved up at home. I'm thrilled! I'll finally be able to talk to women without him cramping my style."

"Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, and a great man. But enough about me!"

"Just a couple of rules before we begin. If you have a mobile phone - leave it switched on, entertain yourselves. And if anyone texts you any good jokes, send them my way."

"Just some last messages here to read out: one from the groom's football team to [bride's name] - 'apologies we couldn't all be here today, good luck with [groom's name], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight."

(Photo: Shutterstock)

'I'm here to give a speech about the groom '“ but what can I say about him that hasn't already been a topic on the Jeremy Kyle show?'

"I do have to say to the groom though, just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring. And the bride as well, how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers."

"[Groom's name] asked me to be his best man a year ago '“ although I never actually received a formal invitation to the wedding. Let's hope I haven't eaten someone else's meal by mistake '“ but more likely, he was saving himself the cost of a stamp.'

"A best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. You're expected to be there, but if you say too much, people start freaking out."

"I didn't really want to do this, but I thought it might be the only chance I'll get to have a meal and some drinks paid for by the groom.'

"You've got no idea how much I've been looking forward to today. After all the time I've been friends with [groom's name], he has at long last admitted that I am the best man."

"For the speech today, the bride and groom have asked that I don't talk about the groom's mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-girlfriends. So thanks for listening everyone, that's all from me!'

(Photo: Shutterstock)

"As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the groom's praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I can't sing and I won't lie."

"It's time for me to do this speech I hurriedly scribbled down about an hour ago!"

"I do hope that the couple enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume they're going to Wales. When I asked the groom his plans for after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight."

"I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!'

"Firstly, I'd just like to say how nervous I am to be making this speech. I've lost count of the amount of times I've stood up from a warm seat with warm pieces of paper in my hand today."

'If you could keep the clapping and cheering to a minimum today '“ I've got a terrible hangover. I know you shouldn't drink heavily before a big event but I couldn't let the groom drink alone, could I?'

"I always knew the groom's speech would be hard to follow. In fact, I couldn't understand a word of it."

(Photo: Shutterstock)

"For those of you who don't know me, my full name is actually '[best man's name]-would-you-like-a-drink'. For anyone who I chat to later, if you could use my full name in the bar area please."

"I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best man's speech. I just went for 35 minutes '“ so settle in..."

"Where do I start with the groom? He's handsome, witty, intelligent... sorry [groom's name]... I'm having trouble reading your handwriting. Tell me the rest later."

"I did ask for a microphone but was told there weren't any available. So if you can't hear me at the back, the silence at the front should assure you that you're not missing out on anything."

(Photo: Shutterstock)

"The groom and I share a common sense of humour. So if this speech is in any way unfunny, feel free to blame him."

[Main image: Shutterstock]