30 of Russell Brand's funniest jokes and quotes

Tuesday, 10th April 2018, 10:32 am
Updated Wednesday, 11th April 2018, 10:47 am

Eloquent, demented and at times downright controversial, Russell Brand has been dividing audiences with his unique brand of humour for over 15 years.

As the comedian embarks on his Re:Birth tour, we look back at some of his best quotes and jokes.

Warning: some adult humour

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"No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been dining off I Don't Like Mondays for 30 years."

"Remember when we dug Saddam up out of that hole? He looked like a Father Christmas who had been sacked from Debenhams for being drunk at work."

"It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony."

On Peter Crouch: "Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. “Igor, fetch ‘the Crouch’ from the catacombs, we’re going to the graveyard”."

"If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?"

"I would define my looks as a Victorian Childcatcher. Or an S&M Willy Wonka who likes to use a riding crop on his own leg in his spare time."

On respecting the Queen: "When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed."

"What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert."

(Photo: Trews Youtube)

"I don't like little chip and pin machines. I don't like that they tell you what to do. 'Hand me back to the merchant!' like a bossy toddler."

"Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching."

To heckler: "You look like somebody who’s fallen off the outside of a church."

On throwing a paparazzo's phone through a window: "Since Steve Jobs died I cannot bear to see anyone use an iPhone irreverently, what I did was a tribute to his memory."

“Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox.”

“Of all the consumer products, chewing gum is perhaps the most ridiculous: it literally has no nourishment – you just chew it to give yourself something to do with your stupid idiot Western mouth. Half the world is starving, and the other’s going, ‘I don’t actually need any nutrition, but it would be good to masticate, just to keep my mind off things.”

"'The Ugly Duckling' ought be banned as the central character wasn't a duckling or he wouldn't have grown up into a swan. He was a cygnet.”

"Boris Johnson is the most dangerous politician in Britain precisely because of his charm. Funny and likeable, even when he errs it's cute, like a shaved Winnie the Pooh eating all the honey."

"My life is just a series of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents."

(Photo: Tiger Aspect)

"October... Is that when there's conkers?"

When asked what he puts on his hair: "Mostly orphans' tears, old clock parts, lizard's tails, spit, the concept of freedom; all up there, all shooshed up right nice and tight, like a bonfire that's never actually burned... it mutters follicular oddities into my mind."

On being born: "I emerged from the womb, right, I was wearing a top hat and I had a cane and said: 'Mother, that was an awkward and embarrassing birth. You should be ashamed of yourself dear. Now pull your nightie down; that doctor looks salacious.' Then I trotted off outside, met up with Kenneth Williams and we both had tea, and we looked down at our dinkles with disgust."

"Noel Gallagher looks like a mum's mate."

"I'm genuinely and actually a bit like Jesus."

"I keep hearing in my head 'you are the Messiah, you are the Messiah'. I think there's something wrong with my headphones."

"New York is basically a new version of York. But York just got a cathedral"

"There's no shame in being second to Stephen Fry. Unless it's in a straight nose competition."

"If a product has an advertisement, it means you don't need it. No-one ever has to say 'go to sleep', 'breathe', 'love people'."

"Barely legal", that's not very nice is it? It should be called almost child molestation."

"If a role requires a haircut, I say I won't do it. It means I can only play the homeless and possibly Jesus."

"If life gives you lemons, politely thank life, then, when life's not looking, throw the lemons into a duck pond."

In response to Donald Trump's criticism of Katy Perry for marrying Brand: "are you drunk when you write these tweets? Or does that foam you spray on your bald head make you high?"