25 of Kevin Bridges' most hilarious quotes and jokes

Friday, 30th March 2018, 11:31 am
Updated Friday, 30th March 2018, 1:04 pm

Since bursting onto the scene as a guest on Michael Mcintyre's Comedy Roadshow in 2009, Kevin Bridges has thrilled audiences with his knack for humorous storytelling.

As the Glaswegian prepares to embark on a UK-wide tour we rounded up some of his finest jokes and quotes.

Warning: contains adult humour

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“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why?’ You do not ponder why, you demand HOW?”

"It must be pretty surreal being Prince Harry and William on a stag night. Just you and your mates stuffing pictures of your gran into your lap-dancer's bra."

"I love the Americans who visit Edinburgh, they're enthusiastic. When they're up at Edinburgh Castle, they think it's a high school because they hear gunshots every lunchtime."

"I've reached that age where there's a baby being passed around somebody's living room like it's a spliff."

“Working in Poundstretcher for no wages…working in a shop where everything is worth a quid except you."

“When the kids at school found out your parents were away, news spread like wildfire. ‘Oh I hear you’re having a party.’ Having is probably the wrong word to use…you’re GETTING a party."

"I’ve never been stabbed, but I can imagine it being somewhat inconvenient."

"Primark have started selling Che Guevara t-shirts - that's a fitting testimony to the man's legacy. He fought for the poor and oppressed in South America, now his face is being stitched onto t-shirts by the poor and oppressed in Southeast Asia to be worn by the poor and oppressed in South East London."

(Photo: BBC)

"Islamic fundamentalists attacked New York, Madrid, London and then Glasgow - we were f***ing flattered. "

"Edinburgh and Glasgow: same country, very different cities. In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock."

On a thief at a party: "There’s a guy in the corner just trying on peoples jackets. Asking people if it suits him, not even does it fit him, does it suit him. The guy’s a petty thief but he’s also a fashionista."

On receiving an invitation to 10 Downing Street from former Prime Minister David Cameron: "Got this through the door today, my heart is saying "f*** that" and my head is saying 'Aye, f*** that'."

"I seen a sign that said, 'Have you seen this man?' So I phoned up and I said, 'No.' I might be many thing, but I'm not a grass."

"The guy said 'Fat boy - give me a quid, or you're getting stabbed.' I thought - quite reasonable."

"Can you imagine Jesus turning up at a nightclub? ‘I don't care who your dad is pal, you're not getting in with sandals on’."

“Asda turned me down for a job when I was 16. But Asda’s loss was the Co-op’s gain. I became one of the best shelf stackers in Clydebank.”

On listening to Celtic v Barcelona on the radio: "It’s quite therapeutic listening to Barca, commentators just go Xavi, Iniesta, Xavi, Iniesta, Xavi, Iniesta. I think they record it on a loop in the morning."

On Rangers going into liquidation: "Scottish football is famously a two horse race and we've now lost a horse. Scottish football has become showjumping."

(Photo: BBC)

"I once accidentally bought a horse."

"I'd catch a grenade for you, that's what passes for a love song in the modern day. Where's he planning on taking her? A romantic stroll down to Helmand Province?"

"I seen a headline that said 'woman drugged, beaten, tied up and left for dead at neighbour's party.' Surely that can no longer be referred to as a party."

"The city of Glasgow was recently announced as Europe's murder capital, but also voted the UK's friendliest city. In the same week. We got our act together pronto."

"Is everybody having a good credit crunch? I don't really know what happened. I just remember everythign became really expensive. The final straw for me was when I was in a shop buying a packet of Bikers, a packet of Space Raiders and a packets of Johnny's Onion Rings. Imagine my shock when the guy asked me for 45 pence. "

"Remember the first day back at school after the summer holidays? That was the day that you found out what class you were in. I was never one of the rich kids who would come strolling in and have a sun tan and a new school bag- but I was never one of the ones who would come in with a black eye and a new second name. "

In reply to a tweet criticising his joke: "mate yer maw took 9 months to up with a joke."