15 of the funniest Jason Manford jokes and one-liners

Wednesday, 28th March 2018, 11:53 am
Updated Wednesday, 28th March 2018, 12:54 pm
Here are Jason Manford's funniest jokes and one-liners (Photo: University fo Salford Press Office / Wikimedia Commons)

Born in Salford in 1981, comedian Jason Manford has become a household name over the last two decades for both his stand-up and his appearances on TV panel shows like 8 Out of 10 Cats.

No stranger to controversy in his personal life, some of Manford's jokes are similarly hair-raising - but always funny.

Here are a few of his best.

Warning: some adult humour

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"I’ve stopped tipping. Not fly-tipping - I’ll always do that."

"I'm getting my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just her stocking filler."

"Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water."

"An old lady at a cash point asked me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her over."

"I spent two years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction, but I did it. Against all odds. Just take a look at me now."

"I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?"

"I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays.'"

"I was at a funeral the other week and I couldn't get reception on my phone, so asked the woman in front of me what the wifi password was. She said, 'Don't be so bloody disrespectful.' I asked her if it was all lowercase but she didn't say."

"Me and my wife decided we don't want kids. So if anyone wants them, we can drop them off tomorrow."

"I changed my password to 'incorrect', so whenever I forget what it is the computer will say, 'Your password is incorrect'."

"A pop star? I thought Kanye West was a train station."

"'Do not touch' must be the worst thing to read in braille."

"'I’ve got some gigs in Afghanistan.' 'What, for the troops?' 'No, it’s for Al-Qaeda, Mum.'"

"I don't hate ginger people. Don't get me wrong, I like ginger people. They were the only people who stopped me getting bullied at school."

"The problem with having three children is choosing your favourite."